September 7, 2005
As the drug companies are running out of real diseases to boost their pharmaceutical sales, they’re increasingly inventing new, fictitious diseases in order to scare people into thinking they have some sort of disorder or dysfunction. Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is perhaps the best known fictitious disease invented to sell psychotropic drugs, but there are many other made-up diseases such as General Anxiety Disorder (GAD).
All this is headed to an obvious conclusion: every quirky or uncomfortable human behavior will soon be labeled a disease, and a medication will be quickly be dispensed to deal with that “disease.” Of course, it may take the drug industry years to invent all these diseases, but you can bet they have teams of scientists working on that effort right now.
But why wait? I decided to pitch in and help the drug companies by listing quirky human behaviors that deserve to be called diseases right now! There’s hardly a person alive who hasn’t exhibited one or more of these behaviors, meaning there’s a huge untapped drug market out there for the taking!
So this is my goodwill deed for Big Pharma today: my list of human behaviors that should be diseases, but aren’t. So far, at least.
(Note: some of these diseases are considered “real” by organized medicine! See if you can spot them…)
Refrigerator Door Disease (RDD)
This disease is characterized by standing in front of the refrigerator with the door wide open, staring blankly into a collection of fuzzy jars of grape jelly, half-eaten margarine tubs with bread crumbs, and something that used to resemble fresh fruit (but might actually be meatloaf). This disease strikes only at night, and is accompanied by light sensitivity that makes the refrigerator light seem ten times brighter than normal so that it pierces closed eyelids like the flashlight of God himself.