New York Times best-selling author
When God decided to make the first woman and donated her to the first man as a housewarming (or should I say garden-warming) present, God must have carelessly hurried her plumbing design. Soon after creation women’s botched plumbing began to weigh heavily on His Mind.
According to the Evangelical — or any literal reading — of the Jewish/Christian Scriptures (and/or the Koran) — women started off as a mere afterthought created after everything else, even after squirrels, sheep and whales. “Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air… But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.”
The entire Female/Plumbing Situation is one of those many, many things (including the creation of Lucifer, shellfish and Canaanites) that, according to the Scriptures, got out of hand during (or soon after) creation and for which the Lord was and — according to Orthodox Jews, fundamentalist Muslims and conservative Christians — apparently still is heartily sorry!
God issued countless factory recalls and complex revised owner’s manual updates enforced by strict rules about how to deal with women, fix women, repair women, curb women, keep women in line and, if need be, kill women if they didn’t keep God’s many Women-Managing Rules.
It turns out that if you take the Bible (and/or the Koran) literally God just hates bodily fluids!